Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
