Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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