he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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