I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
