She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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