I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
false alarm. still invincible.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize