Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
