Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize