Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
