Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
