with your own penis?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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