You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
