He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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