four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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