When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
