i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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