Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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