I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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