I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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