so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize