I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
