Will you blow on my dice?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
