the condom got lost in my hair
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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