I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
