Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
