I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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