matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
