Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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