Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
