She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i think i just lost a toe
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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