strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
