We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
