apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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