hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
