I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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