Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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