I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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