You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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