The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
