i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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