Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
