You work out of a Hotel?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
