Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
