how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
