Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
