found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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