He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
