he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize