My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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