Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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