giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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