I met the friendliest cop last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
