I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
