I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
