we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
