got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
