I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
a search helicopter?!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
