So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
