i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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