he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
