im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
