HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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