she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
