ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize