party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
