i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
